Bill Totten's Weblog

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Story of Thanksgiving

MaxSpeak, You Listen! (November 24 2005)

"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it". - - Mark Twain, The Tragedy of Pudd'nhead Wilson

The Story of Thanksgiving, in the rich MaxSpeak tradition, is here {1}. And here {2}. Or maybe it's here {3}?

MaxSpeak Summary: Among Puritan Christian fundamentalists, the Pilgrims were treacherous, murderous swine. The Pilgrims made a treaty with the indigenous people around Plymouth, until they had enough forces to wipe them out. This they later did with smallpox and guns, unless they were able to sell them into slavery, all for the greater glory of God.

Wait a minute. That wasn't quite right. Let's try it again. Here's how it goes.

The Puritans in England were subjected to religious persecution, lo unto death. They needed a homeland where they could survive as a people and live in peace. They tried to settle in the Netherlands, but it proved inhospitable. Only the possibility of the New World seemed to beckon. It was a land without a people, and they were a people without a land.

Upon settling around Plymouth, the first Puritans (Pilgrims) established amicable relations with the Wampanoag Nation. The Wampanoag were subject to aggression by other Native American groups, so their alliance with the Puritans became an outpost of peace and freedom in the New World.

As more Puritans arrived, they required more breathing space. The Wampanoag, like other indigenous peoples, lacked a modern system of property rights. They did not see fit to build fences, put up street signs, or establish variable-rate mortgages. The Puritans remedied these defects of indigenous culture. It just happened that the Puritans ended up owning all the property, and native Americans themselves became classified as property.

Taking umbrage at this advance of Judeo-Christian civilization, the indigenous people were reduced to terrorism. Some were sufficiently maniacal as to sacrifice their own lives in order to murder innocent settlers. There was a virtual cult of death. Underlying this irrationality was a primitive religious belief system that celebrated exterminating one's enemies, as well as the consumption of locoweed and psychedelic mushrooms. In short, the natives hated freedom.

As a matter of self-defense, the Puritans were compelled to rise to the challenge of this war of civilizations by exterminating both the terrorists and the societies that nurtured them. There was no middle ground; you were with them or against them. Those Native Americans that were willing to live in peace were provided with alternative living arrangements, under the protection of the new government. Sadly, they proved unequal to the rigors of modern society and eventually disappeared.

Today we celebrate Thanksgiving as a tribute to their memory, and to the invaluable assistance they unselfishly provided to the Christian conquest of America.

Now please pass the gravy, and have a happy Thanksgiving, from all the MaxSpeak mispochah.







Addendum: We proudly note that if you Google the title of this post, the MaxSpeak rendition comes up 6th out of 12,800 hits.

Copyright (c) 2001 - 2005 max sawicky

Bill Totten


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